The feeling is diffuse and huge, so omnipresent you almost forget about it, like a dull pain you teach yourself to ignore. Other times it is achingly close, so vivid and intense that the clarity makes you catch your breath. You can arrange the thoughts in a neat line, stark and bare for you to examine and categorize, like dark leaves in deep white snow. But when you reach to search for language- to communicate, analyze, question- a sideways shaft of light suddenly obscures your vision, layering a thin light haze over you and what you thought you finally understood; you blink, a slight nod to your head, as the realization vanishes – and you’re lost all over again.
Not long ago you were driving, not paying attention to anything in particular, when a song began to play- Myth by Beach House.
If you built yourself a myth, You’d know just what to give
Then you felt it again, in intimate, serrated, close detail- a swift and shockingly clear realization. It corners you, that suffocating sensation when you realize you are not extraordinary. And then it leaves. Momentarily you feel blindsided, shook, confused, but aware.
Help me to name it,
Help me to name it
Happiness can often feel so easy to reach. To admire the glossy shine of fresh spring flowers after a light rain, to tuck your head into someone’s neck and relish the warmth of intimacy, to deeply inhale the scent of coffee as you prolong your morning, to feel strong as you instinctively let your body move…
found yourself in a new direction
arrows falling from the sun
canyons calling
would they come to greet you
let you know you’re not the only one
Jasna Hodžić, PhD 